40K Pulp

Surviving in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium isn’t easy. It’s understandable why some would drink themselves black out drunk, raise a glass to celebrate scraping through another day and soak up every ounce of flavour before last call and a violent xenos or Chaos raid. 

The Emperor’s Happy Hour is an ongoing series that imagines the drinking habits and preferences of 40k’s roughest, rowdiest and most badass characters.

First on the bar crawl is Jae Heydari, a daemon-may-care Cold Trader and wayward princess of a backwater desert world with an appetite for swashbuckling and extravagant lies. She appears in the video game Warhammer 40000: Rogue Trader, stealing every scene she’s in, along with whatever else she can get her bejewelled hands on.

Dom Pérignon Champagne

When she’s not seeking adventure and profit, Heydari can be found wiling away her time at various bars across the Koronus Expanse, most notably at the Martyr’s Endurance on the Footfall station. Her drink of choice is strong amasec, yet she’d be up for trying anything luxurious that reinforces her image as a woman of means.

It’s why I see her enjoying a bottle of Dom Pérignon champagne, an example being this 2015 vintage that looks elegant and comes with complex aromatics.

Grover Zampa Signet Amphora wine 2019

Heydari hails from Efreet, a desert world whose culture is similar to India back on Terra. She’d find enjoyment in this Grover Zampa Signet Amphora wine made from 100% shiraz grapes. In many ways, this wine is an extension of her personality: spicy, unfiltered, deeper than the surface would suggest and intense in all the right places.

Notes of blueberry and cherry mingle with a savoury undercurrent of meat at the back of the throat.

Rampur double cask single malt whisky 

Keeping with the Indian theme, Heydari would enjoy a luxurious and high quality whisky like the Rampur double cask. It’s a full-bodied whisky with tropical fruits and smoky effervescence. The whisky is aged in American oak barrels and European oak sherry casks to achieve a finish so smooth, Heydari would sing the praises of The Exalted One for His hand in creating the conditions to make it.

Interestingly, Uttar Pradesh, the state in which the city of Rampur is located, has a long history of creativity that involves poetry and fine arts. The Rampur distillery that makes the whisky pulls from these rich experimental traditions, and I get the feeling that would appeal to Heydari’s sense of adventure and jumping in with both feet.

Mezcal Reina Arroqueño 

Heydari likes to put on a show of being royalty and with her golden cybernetics and garish clothing, she definitely cuts an impressive figure that is fit for a queen. Likewise, she would drink a spirit that celebrates this energy and promotes a sense of woman empowerment in a dark world of fanatical worship and violent heresy. Mezcal Reina’s Arroqueño is a fitting choice.

Made from the massive and rare arroqueño agave, this mezcal is extravagant with deep earthen and smoky notes that dance between pine, mint, honey and cinnamon. 

Smugglers’ Reserve Rum

Heydari has more than one side to her. She can be a princess, a dignitary, a charmer, a fierce fighter and swashbuckler all in the space of a few sentences. A drink that celebrates the swaggering smuggler within her is Smugglers’ Reserve Rum from the Copeland Distillery in Donaghadee, Ireland.

It’s a mix of dark and light Barbados rum aged in Kentucky bourbon barrels and blended with another Copeland rum that’s been aged in pinot noir wine and quarter bourbon casks. The taste is a heady explosion of gingerbread, banana and sweet spices. 

Whatever drink Jae Heydari has in her hands, it’s never one that she orders. It’s always a proclamation of her fierce independence and desire to chart her own destiny among the stars. Whether she’s cursing the ashmags who got one over on her, or celebrating with those she calls shereen, Heydari drinks with a crooked smile and a bawdy story on her lips. You’ll never be quite sure if she’s playing gutter-queen among smugglers or building a legacy that goes beyond her station. 

But by the time the glass is empty, you’ll believe whatever she tells you.

– Michael Deguisa, writing from a dive somewhere on Footfall. Reminding you that if you want to drink boldly, don’t do it so boldly that you wake up owing a Cold Trader money.